Dead Tony told me
“every 5 years I’d look back & think
‘fuck I was an asshole then,’ until
I finally realized that means I’m
most likely an asshole
now”
& I look back on every midnight lamentation
& I relive every moment bemoaned
& every scab-ripping rail toss turn
I take back the curses & pleas
& thank you each and every
for doing what I hadn’t the balls to do
but needed desperate doing
molt my walls
of calcified dreams
& ossified fears
& inadequacies so internalized they acted inherent
& I could crablike grow
past the point of safe
to softshelled sensate
& scuttle across the sand
to settle here
